A Random Rant About N. Ireland Riots & Such . . . [Please Take This With The Humour We Mean It In]

By | 09:50:00 Leave a Comment
Stephen Roberts (The second son of Diamond) and myself were ranting about the stuff going on in our country. We came up with a few suggestions

1. Means tested benefits.
In its current form this is a full packet. With immigrants receiving more benefits than pensioners it needs a rethink. So benefits would be given on the basis of the % of tax & national insurance having been paid into the UK over the persons working life. If you haven't paid anything you get nothing!

2. Riots
2.A. While peaceful protests would be monitored, anything such as throwing stones or petrol bombs would be dealt with by strong action regardless of who they are.
2.B. Stone-throwers & petrol bombers are without question seeking to hurt or kill others and hence a heavy hand would be taken in return. While many images of the press show boys in the action of throwing said missiles we believe that in the same moment it takes a photographer to snap a picture a sniper could easily shoot.
2.B.I. In the case of the stone thrower, an elephant gun would be used to fire stones in return so that the attacker can feel the pain he intended to cause on others and rethink his behavioral choices.
2.B.II. In the case of petrol bombers, a high powered bb pellet would be shot to smash the bottle. The attacker would in this case receive punishment for his crime by actually taking it upon himself. This might burn some sense of regret into him in hope that he will not partake of such evil again.
2.C. Those claiming benefits who are caught in riots while lose a percentage of their benefits, this will go to the Chamber of Commerce to help towards the loss of earnings due to the riots.

3. Under Age Rioters
It has become common to see children among the rioting. With their well being in mind their parents/guardians would be deemed unfit and the children would be taken into care until they could be fostered by a member of the opposite community. This would help balance the child's perspective of others.

4. Water Cannon
The Water Cannon would be replaced with the Dye Cannon which would squirt out permanent fluorescent dye. Anyone found with this dye would be sent straight to prison.

5. Prison
The Maze would be redesigned & reopened. All prisoners would be sent here to serve the community and make up for their crimes. There would be giant wheels in which prisoners would take shifts to run in. These wheels would be connected to the power grid and would supply cheap electric to the communities of N. Ireland.
5.A. While general prisoners (eg theft) would receive food & clothing etc as well as a small payment (made from their time on the wheel along with a % going to the individuals victim) those incarcerated due to terrorism or violence would rely upon their own family for food etc, thus providing a free service to the community while not placing any burden upon it.

6. To Disperse Crowds Where Violence Is Close To Erupting
An announcement would be made that in 20minutes bullets would be fired at 8ft. After anothor 20minutes this would be lowered to 6ft and so on.

This is where we got to before disagreement took place between Stephen & myself. 
Stephen wanted to replace the flag pole outside the City Hall with gallows but i thought this was a step too far and it should be the guillotine. Before we knew it we had descended into fisty cuffs and others had to intervene. I'm off to gather some glass bottles and rags while i think he's outside gathering stones . . . . . . .