I was flicking through my journal and came across the following, which i wrote after our second miscarriage, on 17-10-08. Reading it brought back the floods of memory & painful emotion but i thought i'd like to share it here:
I had went to Lisburn to run an errand for Barbara, we had spent the day at the hospital for the medical staff to remove what they called 'the product' - our 10week old baby that we had just found out the previous day, no longer had a heart beat!
(10 hours in the hospital - a time of talking to each other, crying with one another & holding each other, as well as frustration & anxiety about 'when' or 'if' they'd actually do the procedure.)
But now everything seemed to slow down as I walked through the city, slowly I made my way to the chemist to buy painkillers, everything was silent, mouths moved in conversation, a busker was singing in Haslems lane but I heard nothing, it seemed surreal that again we'd lost a baby in this way, why oh God, why?
'How do you feel?' is the question constantly ringing in my ears along with 'I'm so sorry' as people struggle to know what to do or say. 'Christ' I pray 'help me know You are in this; that unkindly You are kindly working in painful providence'.
As a man, as a husband I want to say something or do something that will help my wife know that it's ok; that Jesus is good, that He wouldn't put this upon us apart from an overall plan & purpose for His glory & our ultimate good. But the right words don't seem to come, and anything that does come to mind seems futile, so all we can do is hold each other and pray.
In kindness Christ has kindly worked... ...But we don't understand the kind part yet!
I had went to Lisburn to run an errand for Barbara, we had spent the day at the hospital for the medical staff to remove what they called 'the product' - our 10week old baby that we had just found out the previous day, no longer had a heart beat!
(10 hours in the hospital - a time of talking to each other, crying with one another & holding each other, as well as frustration & anxiety about 'when' or 'if' they'd actually do the procedure.)
But now everything seemed to slow down as I walked through the city, slowly I made my way to the chemist to buy painkillers, everything was silent, mouths moved in conversation, a busker was singing in Haslems lane but I heard nothing, it seemed surreal that again we'd lost a baby in this way, why oh God, why?
'How do you feel?' is the question constantly ringing in my ears along with 'I'm so sorry' as people struggle to know what to do or say. 'Christ' I pray 'help me know You are in this; that unkindly You are kindly working in painful providence'.
As a man, as a husband I want to say something or do something that will help my wife know that it's ok; that Jesus is good, that He wouldn't put this upon us apart from an overall plan & purpose for His glory & our ultimate good. But the right words don't seem to come, and anything that does come to mind seems futile, so all we can do is hold each other and pray.
In kindness Christ has kindly worked... ...But we don't understand the kind part yet!
